Thoughts

Are all relationships like this? Never being able to truly let your guard down with them because the moment you do, they show you why you shouldn’t? It’s exhausting, and it’s honestly not even fun anymore.
When you start out, you’re full of all this optimism and these thoughts about a grand and wonderful future together. But nothing goes as planned. I started out with so much in my life, and thanks to him and his past and his actions, I’ve got close to nothing left.
When we started out, I was innocent and easily pleased. Everything and everyone was beautiful in its’ own way. I was a caring, kind, and gentle person who gave all of herself and asked for nothing in return. I was proud of who I was and I was happy.
Now though, I can’t remember the last time I was proud of myself. I can’t remember the last time I did something meaningful for me. I work and I stress and I love. I cook and I clean and I nurture. But it’s never enough. I’m never enough.
I’ve fought more battles to keep him than he ever will to keep me. I’ve fought drugs, alcohol, and porn to have a place in his heart. And just when I think I’ve won, I’ve lost. But, I’m too stupid and too attached to give up. I’m too much in love to hurt him the way he hurt me. And all the talking in the world will never help him understand what I’ve gone through mentally and emotionally.
I know you aren’t supposed to be with someone for what they can offer you, but it feels impossible to stay in a relationship that gives nothing back in comparison to what you have.
What if I’m going through all this because I should’ve left when all of this first happened? What if all of this could’ve been avoided had I called it quits when I should have? What if it’s too late to hope for anything better? What if I’m too bitter to notice it if it comes around?
I miss the old me. The me that had dreams and ambitions to be bigger and better than what everyone wanted of me?! I miss pushing myself to make myself better. Growing smarter and stronger every day. I miss feeling like I’m worth something not to anyone else, but to me. I haven’t felt that way in so long.
After everything that’s happened, I feel so world weary. So tired. I just want to end it all

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